It is important that during this time of year you don’t try to live out your old high school football fantasies by humiliating your children. If you are like me and your team is not playing in the big game it could create some resentment and ill will towards the world. If you are like me and you are a Jets fan this week is a living hell with the Giants and the Patriots vying for the title. I have already started my son on a daily regime of cardio, throwing, footwork, and watching game film so he can read defenses better in Pee Wees. Alright I am exaggerating a bit, but there are dads out there that played some varsity ball in high school and scored a winning touchdown in the big game, amazing how many high school football players scored a big touchdown in the big game. Just remember a few simple things and you will make it through this Sunday without and emotional, physical, or mental harm being inflicted on your child.
- Avoid the 36 hours of pre-game coverage where they will end up showing some story about some kid that was born to play the game. The old videos of a three year old running around with a helmet will give you bad ideas.
- Bet on the game..nothing big. maybe a box pool at work or a friendly wager for a beer with friends. This will keep you interested in the game because you might win a bet and be able to gloat to your friends who won nothing. (If your team can’t win making some money off the enemy feels good. Sure the Jets weren’t in it, but I won $500 so who gives a crap!)
- Order up some really good take out food. No man can eat his weight in friend foods and still have the energy to go run around outside with the kid.
- Alcohol can be dangerous. Nothing will lead to high school flashbacks faster than a 12 pack of Natty Light.
- The halftime show is a breeding ground for bad things to happen and this year is no different with grandma Madonna headlining. Create a game to make the event interesting. Maybe bet on which songs from 1986 she will sing…Like a Virgin, Material Girl, Papa Don’t Preach, Vogue?? Oh yeah it will be a flash back that can once again bring you right back to that high school game. Maybe you should just change the channel and watch figure skating. This will confuse most men because they won’t admit they like to watch it so they will comment on the skimpy outfits to make it acceptable. Most men will fall asleep during this time.
- The start of the second half will create a second wind amongst most men. They will heat up the old hot wings and talk about the game. This will last for about 15 minutes.
- If the game is still close you are almost in the clear. If it is a blowout or boring, pray for a good string of commercials. Maybe even shout out comments to get the ball rolling. GoDaddy will once again promise something sexy only to tell you to go to their site, Career Builder will toss out some monkeys, and Doritos will have the big breasted model pushing cheesy goodness.
- Fourth quarter rolls around and you are nearly home free. Try to usher the child off to bed…they should be pretty much crashing from the sugar and snacks.
- If you get to this point you should be in a position where the fear of your child being dragged outside to demonstrate a three point stance and form tackling has passed. Of course now you have to worry about baseball season and dear old dad trying to show off his famous curve ball that no longer curves.