If anyone needs a drink on occasion, it’s parents. It would be awful to say that kids lead parents to drink, and drink heavily, so I’ll put it another way; kids lead parents to drink, and drink heavily. That’s as nice as I can put it actually. I’ve got a 4-month-old and there have been more than a few long evenings when I thought an IV of Johnnie Walker would numb the feelings.
Once the good times (the booze) wears off and the sun acts like God’s flashlight on your terrible parenting example, you’ve got to act like everything is honky dory in front of those impressionable little tykes. To bad your head is pounding like a pornstar on his first day. It’s gonna take more than some Listerine and black coffee to get you acting normal.
Here are some tips to handle the situation:
Explain That You’re (Air Quote) Sick (Air Quote)
When they come into your bedroom at 10am and ask why you’re still in bed you’ve got to have a good reason. You’ve also got to get them to leave you alone until at least lunch. Fake sick. Something semi-contagious. Something that will make them feel awful. Something that will make them want to stay clear and let you sober up. Aids. No, too drastic. You got bit by a vampire. Kids are freaked by monsters. Explain you’ll be fine, you just can’t take the sunlight right now. Then stare at their neck and zone out. They leave you alone.
OJ For Them. Screwdriver For You
While encouraging you to drink more isn’t the first choice of defense, the hair of the dog might just set you back to neutral. When you finally make it out of bed and to the breakfast table, mix one drink. Read that again. One. Drink. It should even things out and make the crap feeling go away. Stop staring at the ground, even if the room is spinning. The kids are starying to get freaked out.
Play that cool game “Let’s See Who Talks The Least”
Kids love games. Even games that are incredibly boring and created just to make parents happy. The “Let’s see who talks least” game is about as fun as “Bet you can’t fall asleep first” but the kids will play because it’s the first time all weekend you’ve paid attention to them. Encourage them to go for the world’s record in silence? What’s the world’s record? Man, I hope you’re still drunk and not just gullible. These kids must own you.
Two-Fingers. Down The Gullet. Stat
With the little tikes in the distance, run to the bathroom and just start making yourself blow chunks. Run the shower or some water to drown out the noise. Get it all out. Light a match or spray some Febreeze to eliminate the linger stench of bile, vodka and late night diner food. Yes, you went to the diner. You also stood on the counter and danced to Macho Man by the Village People while Guatemalan bus boys threw pennies at you to strip. Piecing the puzzle together?
Let Them Do Whatever The Hell They Want
You know how they are always asking to set off fireworks in the dining room or to shave the dog with a butter knife. Let them do it. It will keep them occupied while you chug Gatorade and pop Advil like Altoids. Speaking of Altoids, your breath and body stinks of Jim Beam and regret. Go take a hot shower and scrub your entire body. Also, burn your clothes.
You’re an adult with children. This isn’t rush week for Tappa Keg Aday. It’s fine to enjoy so adult beverages once in a while but if you’re so hamboned you can’t function in front of your children the next morning you’ve really got to rethink how you handle life. If your kid sees you off your ass every weekend what kind of message does that send to them? Probably that drinking their face off (at Lord knows what age) is perfectly acceptable. Nice message Dr. Cuervo. Why did your face just lose color so fast? Oh, crap, find a garbage can. Don’t look at me, find…
I’m not cleaning that.