How To Explain To Your Kid You’re Going To A Strip Club

Dads still do some of the things they did when they were single and still alive. It’s not that they want to, or have to, it’s just that a married man somehow always has single guy friends and that tends to put them into certain situations.

Take for example the bachelor party. Even married men attend bachelor parties and most, if not all, end up in some interesting spots such as …oh screw it, naked chicks. Naked chicks make an appearance. It happens. Let’s all be adult.

The problem is your kids have some how gotten wind of this possibility. You’ve got to explain that strip clubs are just something that daddy’s do and that it’s no big deal. Here is how to pull it off.

You’re Taking One For The Team

You’ve got to explain to the kid that going to watch oiled up women dance isn’t something you’d come up with on your own. There is a bigger reason you’re going; a bachelor party, a divorce party, it’s Tuesday or whatever reason you have for leaving the house and not coming back for hours, reeking of Joop! and cheap vodka. This is when you explain to your kid that sometimes friends do things for other friends because they aren’t selfish. “Remember that time everyone wanted to go to a movie but mommy had a picture in that stupid community art exhibit because she thinks she’s f’n Salvador Dali with a minivan? We all went to support mommy even though your entire 4th grade class is better with oil paints. It’s like that, except a different kind of oil, and people get screwed in a good way at strip clubs.”

These Are Professional Dancers, Like At Disney

Stripping is an art form. No, not the community college kind that mommy does but an actual art that mixes dancing with sexual energy and a pole like the one the kid saw at the firehouse during that school trip that you missed because you were hungover from a Monday night football game that involved beers and chugging Cuervo every time the Saints scored. Christ, Brees, stop scoring! Explain it’s just like the dancers we see in the summer when we go to amusement parks. Is it what they really wanted to do with life? No. Does it pay the bills? For now. Do they try and get you to get a private dance in the back room for quadruple the price of the same dance they do in the front of the place. It depends on what amusement park you’re at.

It’s For A Good Cause (The Possibly Fictional Children of Strippers)

Your child learns all about helping those less fortunate. It’s something they teach in school and possibly something you’ve taught them during the holidays. It’s always good to give to people that don’t have as much and what better charity than the children of strippers that don’t have as much as regular kids. At least that’s what they kind of whisper in your ear in the middle of a lap dance. About how they had to leave for work today and some sob story about their child and how they are just doing this for them and how you’re lap dance might be the money that gets them a new pair of glasses. Let your kid know how you’re donating your hard earned money to Candy’s little boy. If he exists. And has a harelip and flat feet.

You Have To Get Rid Of These Singles Somehow

You went to the bank today and for some reason they gave you one hundred dollars in singles and where the hell are you going to spend all those singles except a strip club? You can’t go to an arcade and then buy the whole family sodas and snacks from the vending machine, well yes you could, but these dollars are way to creased and would work better folded over into the fake cans of a woman that may or may not be legally named Spitfire.

Lie, Lie and Deny

White lies. Never hurt, only help. “Heck no daddy didn’t go to a strip club! The guys and I went out for drinks, dinner, visited a casino for some gambling and then they all went off to strip club while I went back to the hotel room for a nice mini-marathon of House Hunters and a box of Junior Mints I got from the hotel sundries store. Why do I smell like baby oil? The box of Junior Mints was incredibly hard to open and the baby oil loosened it up just enough to slide my hand inside with the dollar bill while she rubbed my face between her…the hell was I saying?”