6 ways to apologize to your kid for their crappy name

28 Jul

Naming a baby isn’t easy. I’ll admit as much. Check out my last name. I sympathize. That said, there is a set playlist from which people can choose. There are thousands and thousands of perfectly acceptable names. Nope. People have to be different.

I thought maybe the months of sleep deprivation had caught up with my mind. I heard the names come from my TV, saw the spelling, repeated the names out loud, looked at the spelling once again and started a nationwide manhunt for the parents stupid enough to name their twin daughters Xanthe and Xoe (pronounced Zanthee and Zoe).

Congrats. In their first week of life you’ve already done permanent damage to your kid. It won’t matter for a few years but the minute the other little Hersey squirters learn how to speak and talk, they’ll find a way to torture your kid about their stupid name. It will last until they are dead and buried or pay the money to change it legally.

The first step is admitting you picked a dumb name but now you’ve got to make it up to poor Lemongillo and Oranjillo (pronounced Lemon Jello and Orange Jello) and do something cool.

Here are 6 ways to make up for the fact you gave your kid a crappy name:


1. Give them a sweet as balls nickname

Sweet AS balls. Not actually Sweet Balls. Unless it suits the bill. You can quickly erase a bad name by giving the little tike a bad ass nick name to carry with him/her through life. Hammer, Donkey Schlong, Jagged Blade and Scurvy are sweet names off the top of my head. For girls, something sweet like Ginger-gina, Tasty or The Funk Is Your Deal Ramrod? (question mark included) are good monikers that should keep the other catty women at bay for a couple decades.

Don’t: No unoriginal play on their real name like B-Dog. No damn initials.

2. Train them to be a lethal weapon

Since you’ve already set him or her up to be tease every single day of school until graduation, the least you can do is train them to be a silent assassin should they have to defend themselves from bullies and bitches. Enlist the help of a retired Marine. Turn your basement into a dojo and send them down to work for an hour every day on techniques to paralyze and opponent on the playground or behind the 7-11 after school. Remind them that teachers and some authority figures might be a bully in disguise. Aim to maim.

Don’t: Try them yourself unless you’re also an assassin with no soul. It won’t be easy punching your own offspring in the gummy Chicklets. Well, sometimes it isn’t.

3. Make them an internet meme

Few people get a real fifteen minutes of fame. The fact is, with the internet, there is no more fifteen minutes because they can go for months, years and decades. Make up for the fact that you named your kid after a dish detergent by making them a superstar on the world wide web. Catch them in the act of doing something adorable like getting drugged up after a painful dental procedure or explaining how they’ll defend their family in the event of a monster attack.

Don’t: Take the shortcut and do a reality show. Toddlers and Tiaras is a sting operation for pedophiles and parents that should lose custody. You’ve been warned y’all.

4. Buy them a shark

Do you know any kid with a pet shark? Exactly. The little brat could be named Envy Burger or Uranus Stukey, if they own a fucking shark they will be the envy of every little kid in a hundred mile radius. Once the kids outside of a hundred miles find out about the pet shark, fit is really gonna hit the shan. They’ll have a hundred friends over a day all wanting to watch the shark during feeding time. What’s on the menu today? Surfer arms and the neighbor’s dog Foxy Boxer.

Don’t: Settle for a dolphin. Puss.

5. Host booze parties

Remember the cool parents back in the day that let their kids and their friends drink? They even bought the booze and handed it out but “took the keys” from everyone at the door. Welcome to You 2.0. Double the awesome because you look like the cool parent in front of all the kids AND you know exactly where your children are on a Tuesday afternoon. After twenty minutes, call the cops, leave the house and wait for them to arrive. Then pull up right behind them and ask your kid “just what the hell is going on?!?” They have to forgive you, you bought them a shark. Also, kids must be over the age of 11. Have some common sense.

Don’t: Buy Mike’s Hard Anything for the party. Christ, did that need to be said?

6. Give them a sibling with a worse name

You screwed up. You were a young, impressionable parent and didn’t realize the life long effect such a stupid name like Justin Time or Bluebell Madonna was going to have on their psyche. Make it up to them by giving them a younger sibling with an even stupider name. For every Jaffar Jackson there is a Jermajesty. For every Apple Martin, there is a Moses. It softens the blow to know there is someone else suffering the same pain, for much longer. It also makes up for the fact the kid has such an asshole for a parent.

Don’t: Give your kid a stupid name.

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9 Responses to “6 ways to apologize to your kid for their crappy name”

  1. Christine July 28, 2010 at 1:47 pm #

    This is great! My children were named after Van Halen’s drummer, and my Great Uncle Tony. ‘Nuff said.

    • nOOb Dad July 28, 2010 at 1:55 pm #

      Your kids are named Alex and Great Uncle Tony?

  2. CHRISTINE'S FRIEND DOT July 28, 2010 at 2:14 pm #

    I L-O-L’d whilst reading this. bravo bravo!

    • nOOb Dad July 28, 2010 at 3:48 pm #

      Thanks! Come back often because I’ve got few friends

  3. Juliann July 29, 2010 at 12:25 am #

    Totally love this. I am compulsive and obsessive when it comes to names…seriously. Always have been. GREAT writing, Chris! Totally agree with you on all of it! You know what I hate? I’m the oldest of five girls (no boys) and ALL of my sisters were given a middle name, except me! WTF?! I have seriously considered, many times, going to court and giving myself a middle name :)

    • nOOb Dad July 29, 2010 at 11:54 am #

      What do you think of Xoe and Xanthe :)

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