Today is Talk like a Pirate Day. Joy. It’s funny the first time. It gets old fast. Faster than the third “that’s what she said” of the morning. There is a good possibility someone will walk up to you today and talk like a pirate. It could be your child. It won’t be funny. Nip it in the bud.
Here are eight reactions to someone who is talking like a pirate;
1.) Poke them in the eye- Three Stooges style. Don’t use the tip of the finger. Bend it and go knuckles. Less chance of permanent damage. Tell them you are only trying to help get in the spirit by encouraging everyone to wear an eye patch.
2.) Talk like a pirate back- Really make it over the top. Get all the expressions wrong. Better yet, after every word say “ARGH” or “AHOY”. For example; “ARGH DID ARGH YOU ARGH FINISH ARGH THE ARGH REPORT ARGH FOR ARGH TODAY’S ARGH MEETING ARGH!”
3.) Stealing something from them- After all, pirates are dangerous people who enjoy stealing, drinking and killing. Just steal something for now. Save the drinking and killing for the dark parking lot after work.
4.) Use baseball terms all day- Tell people you’re talking like a Pittsburgh Pirate. Hit them with a bat.
5.) Play dumb- Ask them what they are doing. Make them explain it. Still act dumb. Make them explain it all again. Respond with “this is fun for you?” Watch them walk away embarrassed. Call them back. Poke them in the eye.
6.) Lie- Tell them your uncle was killed by pirates. They hijacked a fishing yacht he was aboard. Killed the whole group and crew. Make them take you to lunch for being such an insensitive prick.
7.) Laugh. Hysterically- Just start cracking up. Really loud, uncontrollable laughter. Pretend you can’t breathe. Implore them to do it again. Call over other people in the office to hear the awesome impression. LAUGH LOUDER. See how long it takes them to walk away.
8.) Barrage them with facts about Pirates- Study up on Wikipedia and just keep rifling facts at them until they stop. Did you know the English word “pirate” is derived from the Latin term pirate? Did you know even though pirates raided many ships, few, if any, buried their treasure. See how annoying that is? Almost as bad as talking like a farking pirate!
Do I really have to tell you not to do any of this to your kid?