The robots get their names from their tiny pneumatic muscles — Pneuborn-7II mimics the movement of a seven-month-old, whereas Pneuborn-13 imitates a 13-month-old walking. These bots will debut at the International Conference on Robotics and Automation in Shanghai later this week.
Just what the world has been waiting for; robots that simulate small children so we can finally start ignoring actual 7-month and 13-month-old children. And not a moment too soon they were starting to figure out we were related. Although, baby robots do have their advantages over their human counterparts.
Kids can’t be shut off. Unless you count sleeping as “off”, but you can’t always count on that, unless you’ve learned to mask the taste of NyQuill by mixing it Juicy Juice. The robots can be turned on and turned off in those moments when you just want to be left alone; sporting events, Bachelorette finales and that one night a year sex with the significant other isn’t a bad idea. I’m just kidding, it’s always a bad idea. It leads to feelings and who the hell needs those in a marriage?!?
Parents always clamor for the days when their kid was young, adorable and unaware what a crappy set of parents he got dealt. The baby robot will always be young. One set of clothes for the rest of your life. Hell, you don’t even need to dress them for the weather. “It’s snowing out, put your shorts on Robo-Robbie, Papa is taking you sledding.”
No Fear Of “Dropsies”
“Don’t drop the baby. Don’t drop the baby. Dear sweet Jesus in the heavens please don’t let me drop this child. I can feel the kid slipping. My arm is numb. These steps are steep. I’ve got to fart!” Robot babies can take a tumble. Pop that eye right back in it’s socket.
Robots, Unlike Babies, Are Returnable
I’ve a firm believer in rental babies. It’s for people that aren’t quite sure if they are ready, or even want, to be parents. Also good for teens that want to screw without rubbers. Baby rentals for two, four and six week periods. I’m a visionary. Only problem is certain authority have an issue with renting another human. Some bull about the abolition of slavery. The kid isn’t working he is just hanging out. Unless their are chores to be done. Junior should grab a rake. Robot kids can be returned. They don’t even need a rental period.
“Ok, and um, why are you returning your robot baby?”
“Mmmmhmm. Would you like a store credit or another model?”
“No. No thanks. This parenting thing isn’t for me. I’m taking the money and going pontooning.”
Can’t Go To Jail For Hitting A Robot
You don’t want to hit your kid but they just make it so damn tempting. Go ahead, punch a robot. It won’t care. Punching a robot will also finally prove that beating a child WILL hurt the parent more than the kid. Aim for the soft spot. I have no idea where the hell that is on a robot either.
No More Maury Povich Paternity Test Shows
The robot baby….IS NOT YOURS!