7 Terrible Places To Forget Your Child
19 May
People have a lot on their minds these days. Add kids into the mix and life steps up to a whole new level of busy. A person can only fit so many things into the brain. Stuff gets lost, misplaced, forgotten and sometimes temporarily abandoned. Yes, even children.
You aren’t the first guardian to loose track of their kid for a couple minutes. You won’t be the last. Hell, I’ve got no idea where my kid is right now and he can barely walk. There are, however, some places where it would just be awful to lose a kid or leave a kid.
At School
There are hundreds of scheduled events in a school year especially if your kid is one of those students that likes to get involved in as many simultaneous activities as possible. Sports practice, band rehearsal, yearbook and tutoring means today he needs to be picked up at 3pm but tomorrow it’s 4:30 but only if this is the third Tuesday and JESUS THERE IS MORE ON HIS CALENDAR THAN A KARDASHIAN! You’re going to forget to pick him one day. You’ll be labeled a terrible parent for the rest of the school year. Possibly the rest of his academic career. Teachers and administrators will never let you live it down. Oddly, the kid doesn’t care, he got to roam around school after hours. It’s weird the crap you find cool as a child.
In An Amusement Park
With kids roaming around it’s possible your child will get lost in a crowd or roam off with another set of parents (good luck to them!). After searching for a couple minutes and thinking over ways to find him without sending the park into panic mode (getting a 9-year-old a cell phone isn’t such a dumb idea now is it champ?) you realize you’re going to need additional eyeballs to expand the search. You not only look like a bad parent but it sets into motion a chain of code names and colors and a public address announcement telling every other parent in the park they aren’t the worst at caring for their kids. “Attention everyone! Be on the lookout for a little girl wearing a pink hooded sweatshirt. Her father was too busy eye-groping single moms to realize his child wandered off.”
On Top Of The Car
Did you put the kid in the car seat? You remember carrying him out of the house but the actual act of buckling him in is kind of a blur. You were thinking about coffee and a bucket full of Munchkins. The car seat is still facing backwards so you can’t spin around to check. “Hey buddy you there? Steven? WHHOOP! WHOOT! HEY HEY! Please respond with a noise so I know I didn’t leave you on the roof of the car or back on the curb in front of the house.” HOW IS THERE NO PLACE TO PULL OVER ON A MAJOR HIGHWAY!
At The Bar
There was time in this country when it was perfectly acceptable to bring a young child into a bar. I miss those times. Let’s do something about that. If you want to have a couple drinks too make the day go faster and the kid is along for the ride just go to one of those family friendly joints where the ice cream comes in plastic baseball caps. Never bring them to a dive joint that still has a jukebox with Loretta Lynn songs. Never leave him there alone. Unless you’ve got a large bar tab. He can work it off. Those pint glasses ain’t gonna wash themselves son.
At A Crime Scene
People have to make money to support their kids. We can’t all work at McDonald’s now can we? Can we? That’s an honest question. I want to work the fries if the answer is yes. Anyway, doing illegal things is sometimes the fastest way to make a buck. It’s just bad parenting to get the kid involved. The most you can expect from them is maybe a lookout in case the po-po is bringing the heat. “If you see a police officer you are to say in an outside voice ‘what’s a kid gotta do to get some Tang around here’ and let dad know. We cool?” Kids also are not drug mules. I think that needed to be put in print.
In A Museum Overnight
It isn’t like that Ben Stiller movie. Nothing comes alive. It’s scary as shit. I thought it was going to be fun and it was not. I might have also been on several hallucinogens. I did have a nice long conversation with the jaw of a cave woman however. She told the funniest jokes. We made out a little.
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