The Bachelorette Recap: “Hi, I’m Jeff.”

This isn't what producers meant when they said "show more beaver."

Week three and the big Bentley bruhaha will finally come to a head (LITERALLY, if we are to believe the picture later in this blog). But first, a word about a man named Chris Harrison.

Without a doubt, Chris Harrison has the hardest hosting job on television. First, as I said in my initial recap, he has to look into the camera in the first episode of every season and say with a straight face that people are doing this show to find love. Next, he has to not only act as the only confidant to the Bachelor/Bachelorette (imagine listening to Ashley babble on for hours. I’d want to break a champagne glass and slit my throat with the dullest piece of glass within five minutes) and then he has to act like he knows nothing about what the hell is going on, when in fact, the guy knows everything that happens in the house, in the confessional tapings and when the cameras aren’t around.

It’s for all these reasons that I submit the theory that Harrison is actually a programmable robot. Ever see him anywhere besides the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows? Nope. He lives in the basement of that house. In a stand-up locker. He eats only AAA batteries.  No real human could deal with all this pointless bullshit. He gets paid how much? Oh I see. Well that might be a reason as well.

On to the top five moments!

Bentley And The Batman

Bentley’s two-faced act doesn’t make the cut because they’ve been teasing it since the first episode and because the guy is either the world’s biggest asshole or knows exactly how to make a name for himself outside of the show. Either way, it’s an old act. Much more interesting was the exchange that came during the closing credits between a masked and constipated Jeff and Bentley who obviously spends hours making it seem as if he spends minutes on his hair. Jeff is reading the classifieds on the crapper and relaying all of the awesome deals to Bentley. This needs to be a web show. Bentley and the Batman read the classifieds. I’d tune in every week. Probably on my iPhone while on the crapper.

Ben And His Happy Feet

Ashley’s first date of the week (think of it as the first station stop before the love train stalls for the next hour and a half in Shit Town) is with the very non-descript Ben C. Seriously, this guy is about as memorable as shingles. Ashley surprises Ben with a dance lesson but the big surprise is later in the date when Ben pretends to know what the hell a Far East Movement is. It’s apparently a band that insists everyone act like a G6 and I’m only assuming all that because they were carrying instruments. Let’s hope the Far East Movement takes them very far east, to a place where they can learn how to make music. Ashley also surprises Ben by organizing a flash mob and Ben spends the rest of the date white boy dancing his way to a rose. Honestly, one flash mob and this guy thinks he is Justin Timberlake. Can you stop bouncing up and down dude? It looks like you’re trying to shake a hot turd down your pant leg and fanning down the smell with your arms.

Dinner has Ben babbling on about exploding the roof with love, being the happiest couple on Earth and sounding a lot like Ron Burgandy. He even dressed the part. Ben gets a rose and I’m shocked he doesn’t jump up and grind on the table. Like a G6.Whatever the hell that means.

The Roast

Oh, so THAT'S how you got to be The Bachelorette

It probably went something like this in the pre-production meetings before this season started; “So, this Ashley, she is pretty low on herself right now, with being the third choice of the Bachelor and the third choice of being the Bachelorette. Here is an idea. Let’s roast her! It will be fun! All the men that are supposed to be here winning her love will take cheap shots at her and insult her small rack. Because if there is one thing we all know about women, it’s that they love their flaws being pointed out on national TV. She’ll love it! It’s a great way for a woman to figure out which man she’ll want to spend the rest of her life with. The guy that can make fun of her the best. So it will be roast first, then old boyfriend week.” Bright spot: Jeffery Ross but even he couldn’t salvage the worst idea in reality show history. And by worst, I mean best, because I could have watched that roast for hours.

The Walking And Thinking Montage

William almost seals his fate with a really unfunny (yet honest) joke about everyone wishing Emily was the Bachelorette. Isn’t the truth always supposed to be funny? Not in this case. William feels awful, not because he hurt Ashley, because he blew his shot at impressing Jeffery Ross and possibly getting asked back to do other roasts. As if Jeff Ross is going to say to Comedy Central for the next pointless celeb roast “Actually, tell Gilbert Gottfried and Whitney Cummings to stay home. Let’s bring in that guy from The Bachelor. He’s got twenty minutes of small boob jokes that will absolutely kill.” William blows his shot and goes walking the streets of LA. Walking and thinking. Thinking and walking. Walking and thinking about his failed shot at love (hahahah how does Chris Harrison do it!) his failed comedy career and the terrible cell phone plans he sells to people at a kiosk in the mall. Meanwhile, back at the party, Jeff (The Dark Nut) is talking to Ashley about his dog. That isn’t a joke. He was actually talking about his dog. That was Jeff’s third funniest moment of the night, the bathroom scene being number 2 (PUN!), and number 1 also being this week’s best moment….

The Big Reveal

Jeff realizes his chances with Ashley are getting fewer and farther so he decides it’s finally, really, truly time to pull off the mask. As I said in my first blog, I watch this show and blog about it mainly because my wife watches the show. She watches it for the comedic/train wreck factor, which I understood, but never really found true before this episode. I didn’t think watching a two hour show for about 8-10 weeks was worth the couple little giggles and head shakes of “oh brother” that happened here and there.

I. was. wrong.

Jeff pulling off the mask and saying “Hi, I’m Jeff” made up for every single minute of watching this show for the past few years. People can say they literally fell on the floor laughing but, as the cat is my witness, my wife literally fell onto the floor laughing with that one simple line. I pissed my pants too. “Hi, I’m Jeff” is my new go-to, make the wife laugh line.  Thank you masked man. Whoever you are.

Oh right, you’re Jeff.

What did I miss? What are your thoughts? Leave them in the comments. See you all next week!

Past Episodes

The Bachelorette Recap: “If You Can’t Take The Heat Get Out Of The Oven!”

The Bachelorette Recap: “I’m Locking This Up In The Memory Box.”

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