The Bachelorette: “I’m locking this up in my memory box.”

It’s week number two for The Bachelorette Ashley Hebert and the first full week of one-on-one dates and group dates that no person should ever have to be a part of. Is a group date worse for the person having to pay attention to five or six other people or the five or six people trying to stand out in a crowd? I’ll argue it’s worst for the group. At least the one person has a better chance of having a good time. If all five people get involved it could be a real good time but then ABC would have a porno on their editing room floor. It’s for this reason I’m calling for a “The Bachelorette/Bachelor “Too Hot For TV!” DVD set.

Before we get to the top five moments for this week, let’s discuss the quote of the week. Ashley and her memory box. She said she was going to lock the date with William in her memory box, which should have plenty of room, since there is nothing in there regarding how much of a game this whole show is and how easily she gets played for a sucker. It’s probably full of the names of her Cabbage Patch Kids and that one time she got all the buttons on her shirt done without any help. But more on Ashley’s bad memory later. Keep the quote in your memory box. You don’t have the key? Where the hell did you leave it? You wrote down your secret hiding place and locked in the memory box?!? That makes no sense. Call a locksmith. I’ll wait.

Top five moments from this week:

Honorable Mention: The (Almost) Big Reveal

It’s almost as if this were a semi-scripted show! The Dark Nut (Jeff) was just about to reveal his true identity and put into jeopardy all of Gotham City when out of nowhere (actually from out of the next room, probably listening and waiting for just the right moment) Matt comes and spoils the big reveal. I guess Ashley and America will have to wait one more week for the big unmasking that no one really gives a good crap about. His whole reason for the mask is to keep his face out of the equation and let his personality shine. So far he has the personality of a Tic-Tac (and not a delicious Orange Tic-Tac but those peppermint kind that just make you wish you had a piece of gum) and chances are he isn’t so good looking that people won’t take him seriously.  Also, that’s a mask from the dollar store. It came as a Mardi Gras party pack along with some beads and a shot glass that reads “Don’t Be Mardi For The Party!”

Bad Guy Bentley

Give Bentley some credit for this much: he had a pretty good idea the producers would choose to make him the guy every female viewer hated by using some clever editing so he figured “screw it” and gave them concrete evidence he is an immense…what did he call it?…right PICKLE. “I’ll let her tickle my pickle.” That doesn’t even sound interesting and I’m usually up for some kinky stuff. Bentley might get knifed on the first reunion show if he makes that far. I don’t believe in karma but I’m thinking if Bentley keeps this up his daughter Cooties (Cozy? Crocs? Whatever) is going to end up bringing home someone just like dear old dad. Let’s all hope.

If Ashley did have a memory box she’d remember Bentley came with a warning. A warning saying “this is a bad dude” which is also just like saying to a woman “like this guy the most.” Maybe Bentley sent it himself. God damn this guy is good! He truly is a top class jerk. The Bentley of jerks if you will. See what I did there?

The Las Vegas Wedding Date

The bulk of the episode, and all the dates, took place in the most romantic and place everyone imagines they will find true love: Las Vegas! Also known as Sin City. Also known as the only place on Earth that ends more relationships before people even leave the airport. How can people NOT fall in love in a town full of so many hookers!?! Ashley chooses the mall kiosk cell phone salesman William as her first date. She wants to make sure everyone is in this for the right reason, so as a test, just makes one guy prove his intentions with a date that ends in a wedding ceremony. Something tells me this isn’t the first time Ashley rushed a guy into doing something he didn’t want to do. I’m also sure she has been engaged at least eleven times in her life. She just looks the part.

After the big fake wedding that both Ashley and William thought was “real” they get all fancied up for a dinner in the middle of a faux lake in front of the Bellagio hotel. Now a table in a lake looks romantic but I’ve got to assume the table service was just awful. “Where the hell is the waiter with our drinks? Oh he is swimming over for them? Understood. Also let him know my steak is over cooked and I’d like to have the chef jet ski over to our table so I may have a word.”

Jabawaaaa?

The first group date of the season saw a small group of the guys meet Ashley in Vegas to take part in the JabbaWockeeZ dance show. For those that don’t know, the JabbaWockeeZ where the winners of the first season of America’s Best Dance Crew and for those that also do not know consider yourself very lucky. I knew who they were and wanted to slash my wrists with a spork for just that reason alone. As the dance team dazzles the guys with their moves, Ashley comes up from the middle of the stage and proceeds to stand still, shrug a shoulder, and then take off her mask like she just did something spectacular to the delight of no one. JabbaWaPleaasseee.

The JabbaWockeeZ and AshleyNoDancee then explain the guys have to work in groups to come up with their own dance routines. The winning team stays and gets  a group date. Losers go back to the house. This all leads to what I feel might be the greatest reality show idea of all time “America’s Worst Dance Crew” in which teams of terrible dancers compete for no other reason but to make us all laugh and feel uncomfortable for those involved. Let’s get on this ABC. Perfect follow-up to Dancing With The Stars. I’ll await your paychecks.

Let’s make this quick; none of the men can dance, they have terrible choreography ideas (a farking rose ceremony??), one guy dances like he is holding a book (that’s gonna be hot in the clubs this year), they do their routines. The JabbaWockeeZ are forced to pick the team that sucked the least. Those guys then went on to dance in an actual show where people paid money to watch real dancers and were instead treated to five stiffs in Scream outfits and hundreds of whispers in the crowd of “what the hell is the chick from the Bachelorette doing in this show?” Gotta love Vegas!

Coin Flip Date

Mickey gets a date with a coin flip and then gets a rose with a coin flip. None of this luck makes up for the fact he tried to kiss Ashley the minute he stepped out of the limo in the first episode. He should have flipped a coin on that idea and while it was in mid-air kicked himself in the genitals. He is going to stick around for a while. Just got this feeling.

The coin flip date itself was brilliant. I only wish I could go back to the days I was single and dating and suggest the coin flip on some of the nightmare dates in my life. “Let’s see, how about heads you pay for dinner and leave and tails you pay for dinner and I leave? Call it in the air!” It would also work on dates that were actually going very well. “Ok, let’s flip this coin to decide where I get to stick my pickle. WOOOHOOO TAILS!”

And this year the musical guest is…

Colbie Caillat is the musical surprise guest joining the ranks of Seal, Train, The Barenaked Ladies and Chicago. It’s like ABC is making the perfect mix tape for my mother. Mickey did seem genuinely shocked to see Colbie Caillat on stage. I think everyone watching at home was shocked too because we all thought Colbie Caillat’s career was going well. Guess not. (Side Note – ABC my mom will need an actual cassette tape because she’ll want to play it in the car. She doesn’t have an iPod. Maybe you could burn her a disc? She does still own a Disc Man but only uses it for Jazzercise class.)

The rose ceremony is all done and Matt (the guy that called his mom on the first night calls her again to prove he is a double loser), Stephen (never have nicer hair than the woman you’re trying to date) and Ryan (no idea who that guy was) all get shown the door. Please have the masked man show you out.

What did I miss? Leave it in the comments.

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