Men and women get comfortable in marriage; he farts right in front of her, she doesn’t wear as much make-up just to look good at all times and the list goes on. It’s understandable and most times forgivable. Except when it comes to the contents of the underwear drawer. Men shouldn’t have stained, ripped or soiled drawers and women shouldn’t, under any circumstances, wear massive underwear.
“But they are comfortable!” she yells every time you make a joke about how they are the size of a table cloth. Not a good enough reason. This doesn’t mean she has to wear a thong 100% of the time. There is a happy medium.
She won’t toss them out but the granny panties have to go. Here are some uses for those giant belly-button coverers.
Who needs to spend money on the original Snuggie when all you need is a giant pair of grannie panties? Just step into the leg holes and wrap it around your entire body a couple times. Make sure you grab the remote first because you’re not getting out of that cocoon for months.
You don’t own a sailboat yet. They are too expensive. Buying a boat without a sail would probably drop the price. Tell the seller you’ve already got your own sail and he can keep his for a lower price on the vessel. Hoist up the biggest pair of your wife’s panties and set sail for adventure. It’s probably a coincidence she has a pair with a skull and crossbones on the backside.
Got a cherry antique ride in the driveway? Don’t spend all your money on car covers when an old pair of your wife’s giant underwear is available. Cover the car, the entire driveway or hell the entire house so you don’t get wet walking from the car to the front door.
Now that you’ve got all those leaves and grass clippings raked up how are you going to get it them to the curb? Just rake everything onto a pair of underwear and drag it over to the curb. Only takes one trip!
Jump off the roof, a bridge or even the side of your house with the old lady’s bloomers over your head as a parachute. Make sure to bring her nightshirt as a back up plan. That thing could double as a baseball field tarp.
Did you know grocery stores will take money off your order if you use recyclable bags? Now you’ll only need one because that ass cover she calls underwear will carry all your groceries. It’s even good for buying in bulk.
Screw sharks. Whales. Possibly even Loch Ness. At least Nessy will be caught in “comfort.”